he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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