do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
