distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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