I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
