Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
