i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I need a beard to bite.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
