I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
