You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i dont even know how to be here
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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