you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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