I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
