i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The Olympian is in my bed
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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