If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
