My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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