What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
