My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
