Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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