when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
