Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
