He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
