he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
