I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
