So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
