Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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