my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
