When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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