My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
