That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
