I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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