The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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