You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
