so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
