god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
