Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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