i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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