Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
