I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
