You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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