When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
