Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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