I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
