i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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