I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
