For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
