I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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