he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
