I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
