true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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