I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
