If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
whose ass print is on the piano?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
