You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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