flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
