you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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