I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
