we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
