So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
