i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
