Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Shame is for Republicans.
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