I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
bring money and cleavage
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The air taste purple.
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