I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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