nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
