i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
