My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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