I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
