Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
