Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize