i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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